The Kids Are Back at School… So Why Am I Still Exhausted?
Updated: 3 days ago
You spent six weeks thinking, “Just get me to September.” September arrived. The children went back. So why don't you feel better yet?
I'm writing this from my bed on a Sunday.
It's late in the afternoon and, quite frankly, I'm shattered.
The kids are back at school. We've made it through the first week. There's a little more routine in our lives again and, theoretically, I should be feeling a bit more like myself.
Except... I'm tired.
I’m weary like a medieval peasant who has tended the fields from dawn until dusk, birthed nine children, churned her own butter, survived the plague and has just been informed that winter is coming early.
I exaggerate a little, but you get the drift.
And as I lay here, I realised there are probably many parents and carers somewhere wondering exactly the same thing:
The kids are back at school. Why am I still so exhausted?
Because for weeks, September can feel like the finish line.
Just get me through the six-week holidays.
Get through the days that feel approximately 47 hours long.
Keep everybody fed.
Try to create some nice memories.
Manage the meltdowns, theirs and occasionally ours.
Keep the house vaguely functioning.
Navigate disrupted routines.
And somehow keep ourselves going too.
Then September finally arrives.
The uniforms are found.
Shoes located.
Bags packed.
Water bottles somehow already missing lids.
They're back.
We survived.
And I use survived deliberately.
Because although there were lovely momentsand, there genuinely were, six weeks is a long time to be constantly needed, particularly when you don't have much of a village around you.
So perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that I'm lying here exhausted.
Maybe this is what happens when the thing you've been pushing through finally eases.
Maybe sometimes you don't realise quite how tired you are until you finally have enough space to feel it.
Sometimes you don't feel how tired you are until you stop
When life is demanding, we can become very good at getting through it.
Wake up.
Sort breakfast.
Manage the day.
Deal with whatever unexpected thing has happened.
Feed everybody.
Regulate emotions — sometimes theirs and sometimes our own.
Try to create some nice summer memories.
Break up arguments.
Answer 4,723 questions.
Repeat.
And when you're parenting a child with additional needs, there can be another layer of planning, anticipating, advocating, regulating, managing transitions and remaining alert to what might happen next.
You keep going because... well, what else are you going to do?
There isn't necessarily a dramatic moment where you decide to become resilient.
Sometimes you just get on with what needs doing.
Then something changes.
School starts.
The demands reduce slightly.
And suddenly your body seems to say:
Oh. Are we stopping now? Brilliant. Because I'm knackered.
Your body doesn't know it's September
I joked about this in one of my social posts, but there's something important underneath it.
Your body hasn't checked the school calendar.
The fact that the external pressure has reduced doesn't mean your internal state immediately follows.
After a prolonged period of stress or high demand, it can take time for our bodies and minds to settle.
Stress involves physiological systems designed to help us respond to challenge. When demands are persistent, we may spend long periods feeling alert, tense, emotionally stretched or simply focused on getting through what is immediately in front of us.
Removing the stressor doesn't necessarily create instant recovery.
Think about how you sometimes feel when you finally take annual leave after an incredibly busy period at work.
Day one arrives and instead of bouncing out of bed shouting, “I'M FREE!”, you want to sleep for approximately 17 hours.
Sometimes we notice exhaustion because there is finally enough space to notice it.
Relief and exhaustion can exist together
This is another thing I want us to make room for.
You might be relieved your children are back at school.
Deeply relieved.
And you can adore them at exactly the same time.
Those feelings aren't opposites.
For some parents, particularly those without much practical support, the six-week holidays can mean being responsible for children almost continuously.
School returning brings structure.
Routine.
Support from other adults.
And, for some of us, a few hours where we're not the person solely responsible for meeting everybody's needs.
Feeling relieved by that doesn't tell me how much you love your children.
It might simply tell me how much you've been carrying.
“Survived” might be the right word
We're encouraged to make memories during the summer.
Enjoy every moment.
Make the most of these precious years.
And yes, hopefully there were beautiful moments.
I had them too.
But there were also hard ones.
Boring ones.
Overwhelming ones.
Moments where September felt approximately six years away.
So if somebody asks how your summer went and your immediate thought is:
“I survived it.”
I'm not going to correct you.
Surviving doesn't mean there was no joy.
The two can coexist.
You can have beautiful photographs on your phone and still have been completely overwhelmed five minutes before they were taken.
That's real life.
Please don't turn September into another productivity challenge
I think this is where we need to be careful.
Because suddenly you have a few hours back and it's tempting to fill every single one.
Right.
Back to exercising.
Sort the house.
Start the project.
Catch up with everybody.
Get organised.
Do the life admin.
Finally tackle that cupboard.
Meal prep.
Work.
Right... GO.
And before we know it, we've replaced one type of demand with another.
If you've spent weeks craving space, you don't have to justify that space by immediately becoming productive within it.
Perhaps September doesn't need to begin with catching up.
Perhaps it can begin with coming down.
What might recovery actually look like?
It doesn't necessarily need to mean a spa day, wellness retreat or entire afternoon of meditation.
Sometimes it's much smaller.
Sitting down before automatically finding the next job.
Eating lunch without doing something else simultaneously.
Going for a slow walk.
Having an early night.
Watching something ridiculous on television.
Moving your body because it feels good rather than because you've decided September is the month you finally “get yourself together.”
Seeing someone you haven't had the capacity to see.
Doing absolutely nothing for half an hour.
Or simply noticing:
I'm really tired.
Without immediately trying to fix it.
That's self-awareness too.
Maybe you're not behind. Maybe you're recovering.
That's the thought I want to leave you with.
If September has arrived and you're looking around wondering why you don't suddenly feel refreshed...
Perhaps nothing has gone wrong.
Perhaps six weeks of being needed, organising, managing, anticipating, entertaining, advocating and holding things together has taken something out of you.
Your capacity doesn't magically replenish because the school gates have reopened.
Give yourself a minute.
You don't have to go immediately from surviving summer to smashing September.
There can be something in between.
A little exhale.
A little noticing.
A little less pressure.
And perhaps, instead of asking:
“Right, what do I need to get done now they're back?”
we could start with:
“How am I actually feeling after the last six weeks?”
You might be surprised by the answer.
A little note from Nikki
If your answer is “bloody exhausted”, you're very welcome here.
Over the next few weeks, I want to explore something I've been thinking about more and more: we tell parents to rest, exercise, attend counselling, practise self-care and make time for themselves...
But what actually needs to be in place for them to be able to do those things?
Because sometimes knowing what we need isn't the problem.
Sometimes we need to talk about what makes it possible.
Until next time, be gentle on yourself. Take care my lovely. x
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