The Invisible Load of SEND Parenting

Sometimes it’s not the big things that exhaust me.

It’s remembering everything.

The appointment that needs booking.

The form I still haven’t filled in.

The email I need to chase.

The school thing that needs sorting.

The prescription.

The childcare.

The thing I need to remember to tell somebody when they eventually ring me back.

The thing I was supposed to ring somebody else about.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, somebody inevitably asks:

“Mum, what’s for dinner?”

Mate. 🙈

I don’t know.

At this point, I’m impressed I know what day it is.

This is the part of SEND parenting I don’t think we talk about enough.

Not necessarily the things we physically do, although there are plenty of those.

It’s everything we’re carrying in our heads while we’re doing them.

The invisible load.

The remembering.

The anticipating.

The researching.

The preparing.

The chasing.

The wondering.

The what if?

The what next?

The have I forgotten something?

And, perhaps the biggest one of all...

Am I doing enough?

Because somehow, even when you’re doing what feels like the work of six different people, that question still manages to sneak in.

I know it does for me.

There’s always something else I could be doing.

Another strategy I could research.

Another person I could contact.

Another form I could fill in.

Another approach I could try.

Another article I could read.

Another way I could advocate.

And that word, advocate, sounds so empowering, doesn’t it?

And sometimes it is.

There have been moments where I’ve been incredibly proud of myself for speaking up, asking questions and refusing to accept something that didn’t feel right.

But advocacy is also tiring.

Because sometimes I don’t want to fight.

Sometimes I don’t want to research.

Sometimes I don’t want to explain.

Sometimes I don’t want to send another bloody email beginning with:

“Further to my previous email…”

👀

If you know, you know.

Sometimes I just want things to work.

I want the person who said they would call to call.

I want the referral to actually arrive where it was supposed to go.

I want the system to talk to another part of the system without me having to become the middleman.

I want somebody else to remember.

Because that’s the thing about carrying an invisible load.

People don’t always see when it’s getting heavy.

From the outside, you’re functioning.

You went to work.

You got the kids to school.

You replied to the email.

You attended the meeting.

You remembered the appointment.

You sorted dinner.

Okay, maybe dinner came out of the freezer, but everybody ate.

We’re counting it.

But inside your head, there are approximately 47 tabs open and one of them is playing music, but you can’t work out which one.

And then comes the advice.

You need to make time for yourself.

You need to prioritise self-care.

You need to rest.

Listen. 🤨

I agree.

I genuinely do.

I talk about rest all the time.

I believe rest is foundational.

But there is a particular irony in telling somebody who is already overwhelmed that they need to add self-care to their list of things they’re failing to keep up with.

Because if my self-care requires me to research it, book it, pay for it, arrange childcare for it, travel to it and remember to actually turn up...

Bredren. 👀

We may have misunderstood the assignment.

Maybe self-care doesn’t always need to be another thing we do.

Maybe sometimes it’s something we stop doing.

Maybe it’s leaving the washing until tomorrow.

Maybe it’s buying the nuggets.

Maybe it’s saying no without producing a three-paragraph explanation.

Maybe it’s sitting in the car for ten minutes before you go inside.

Maybe it’s admitting:

I haven’t got the capacity for that today.

And allowing that sentence to be enough.

I’m learning this.

Slowly.

Because I’ve spent a lot of my life being capable.

And when you’re the capable one, people tend to assume you’ll manage.

Sometimes you assume you’ll manage.

So you keep adding.

And remembering.

And sorting.

And carrying.

Until your body eventually says what your mouth hasn’t.

Enough.

That’s why I’m becoming increasingly interested in what happens when we stop asking:

“How can I cope with more?”

and start asking:

“What can I put down?”

Because maybe we don’t need another productivity hack.

Maybe we don’t need to become more organised.

Maybe the answer isn’t learning how to carry everything more efficiently.

Maybe some of it was never ours to carry alone in the first place.

And if you’re reading this with your own 47 tabs open, trying desperately to remember what you’ve forgotten...

I see you.

You’re not failing because you’re tired.

You’re tired because you’re carrying a lot.

There’s a difference.

So today, I’m not going to give you another thing to add to your list.

No five-step routine.

No morning practice.

No homework.

Just a question I’m asking myself too:

What can I put down today?

It doesn’t have to be something profound.

One email can wait.

Dinner can be easy.

The washing can stay where it is.

You can reply tomorrow.

And perhaps, just for today, good enough can actually be good enough.

Now...

Does anybody know what’s for dinner?

Because I still haven’t got a clue. 🙈